What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]