Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My birthstone is kidney
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food