ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
i will not be silenced
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.