[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You Might Also Like
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick