Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.