Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!