What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators