her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Not recommended for beginners.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.