It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
The Friday File.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’m having an out of money experience.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
just make the entire table out of coaster
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers