HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict