I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
idk what he going thru but i feel him
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
had to make it
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Ron is short for Aaronald
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe