*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple