Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My purse is deeper than some people.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.