I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Always…
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good