90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
You Might Also Like
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.