My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.