Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
You Might Also Like
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.