Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Erm I’m gonna say no
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.