Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road