Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
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[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.