Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.