The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
early stone age tool
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Camping tip: No.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?