When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
#Caturday
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.