[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.