Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
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What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”