I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
constantly working on myself.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.