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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing