What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%