That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…