Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
no cat here
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Eggs benadryl my favourite
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.