[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary