Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?