We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
first you must answer his riddles