You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
dutch is not a serious language
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Nomnomnomnom
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup