[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
OKAY DAD
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.