My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.