To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Seems legit
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.