*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist