I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
This is amazing.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.