Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”