This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
this is funnier than any friends episode
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night