Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Customize Your Wedding.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever