What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.