If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US