Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Dune (2021)
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.