At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Good news
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.