DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Worst Native American name ever.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.