After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Thank you corporation very cool
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”