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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Harsh but fair
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.