My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
(True)
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.